Nov 11, 2017
If you're a parent, you know or have heard about empty nest syndrome. So, all parents, listen up. Why do we feel so lonely after the kids leave?
When we raise our kids, and then they leave, the house is empty; you feel lonely. There's nobody there other than (potentially) a significant other, and we feel like we're not involved in our kids lives anymore. I'm sure you can relate to that. There's emptiness, nobody talks back, and nobody asks us to do stuff for them.
When my son Jesse left for college, I still had my "little one," my daughter Melanie at home. The house didn't feel as empty because I still had someone to care take of
Here's the funny part about his leaving. I dropped my son off at college, and I assumed he was living his college life, but little did I know that he too must have felt some separation or his empty nest syndrome. Because lo and behold, Jesse would come back every week. Jesse had excuses that, “Oh, I need to wash my laundry.” The next time he needed something from the house, so every weekend he would show up at home. I asked him whether or not he needed change to wash his laundry in Baltimore and he said, "Oh, mom, it's much cheaper if I wash it here with you."
Years later I asked, "Listen, why'd you keep coming back?" He said, "Mom, honestly, I was so much happier being accepted at a college close to home, because I wanted to be home. I was not ready to embrace going away to college." You see? Not only are we impacted by the empty nest syndrome, so are our kids, whether they like to admit it or not.
How does the empty nest syndrome impact many of us?
There is that sense of loss when our kids leave because suddenly you are not needed anymore. They don't ask you for advice. They don't barge in the door and go, "Hey mom, what are you making for dinner?"
It's a tough situation for many of us and some women I talk to feel that they are going through an identity crisis. You have been a mom for 18 years (or more), and suddenly the role of mom is gone, and so you’re spinning in place, trying to figure out, "what do I do next?" Up until now, the children had been the prime focus.
Relationships are impacted by this empty nest syndrome quite a bit. Think about what you and your spouse focused on all those years. It started with changing diapers, then finding a daycare center, then locating a good grade school. Then once they're in school, you drive around to go to soccer practice, to dance recitals, to all these extracurricular activities.
Little time is spent eating dinner together or personal time together because there's always so much to do. There's very little space left for intimacy, and even on vacations, you are never alone. So the prime focus has become the kids, which it should be because you're their parent, you're their caretaker, you're the person they look up to as a role model and the person that they admire. Because of that, you're losing touch with your significant other.
In my case, I was the person that stayed home with the kids. When I decided to stop working, my first husband worked to support us. Our goal was not to hire a nanny. My job was not something I was crazy about going back to, and I was glad to be out of the office. I loved spending time with my kids, but I missed not making my own money. I lost that financial freedom that I had before the children.
One thing to consider is that when the kids are moving out, you have more time. This moment seems to be for some parents just the right ticket to move forward with their lives. It sure was for me, and I got back into traveling with my husband.
Compare your experience to that of others. I'm sure that my mom felt the same way when I moved away 32 years ago. I was 23 at the time, and I had planned to be in the US for a couple of years, and that's what my mom thought too. I thought I would be back in a jiffy, and we would go out to dinners, cook together and just spend more time together. But instead, I ended up staying in the US and raising my kids here.
We were missing out on our time together. I can relate to my mom so much more, thinking back to how she must've missed me and had to move forward with her life.
Keep in touch.
A coping strategy that helps alleviate empty nest syndrome is to stay in touch with your kids. My mom and I missed that boat a little bit when I left the nest. We lived our lives in different countries and did not make an effort to call each other more often.
I'm making an extra effort with my kids. I text them or I WhatsApp them, as my kids live in opposite parts of the world now. I want to hear what's going on in their lives. I want to listen to their stories, and when my son moved out to the West Coast, I called him, and I was afraid that I would bother him. He said, "Mom, you know what? I would tell you if you bother me, and then you just have to wait till I have a little bit of time so I can talk to you," but he encouraged me to stay in touch as well. I think it's super important, that as parents we respect our kid's space.
Seek professional help if necessary.
In some cases, you may have dug yourself into an emotional hole that you can't climb out on your own and maybe finding professional help is the right solution for you.
Stay positive.
A positive outlook is something that I can't emphasize enough. Think of the kids moving away as a positive thing. I've raised my children to become an independent person. I raised them to be successful, happy, and enjoying life. That is what they want for you too!
Can you prevent the empty nest syndrome?
When the first one leaves, it's not that bad because you've maybe got number two (or three or four) still hanging around. In my case, my daughter Melanie was with me for a whole bunch of years. One thing that was tough for me as her mom was, that she kept moving in and moving out. Each time I had to separate myself emotionally from her. Have you experienced that?
My daughter Melanie moved to Nashville, and I'm like, "Yay, okay, she's good, she's happy, and found a place where she would like to live." Two years later she moved back in.
I've gotta tell you, that's hard. I felt that I went back into the “mom thing," you know what I mean? The, "Oh, I will solve your problems for you. Oh, of course, I will make lunch. I'll go to the grocery store for you. Just tell me all those things that you need to get done that you don't have time to do."
Oh my goodness, I had to hold back because as a mom you can be overbearing. Most importantly, she didn't want me to take over.
It is about you, your happiness, your fulfillment in life and I feel that the more peaceful we are, the more pleased our kids feel.
3 Empty Nest Survival Tips
Here are my three empty nest survival tips that have made the difference for me. I hope that you can apply these survival tips to your life as well.
#1 Stay Involved In Your Community
What do I mean by that? A big part of my life is my running and triathlon community. These are the people I hang out with on the weekend and in my spare time. Each season, I sign up for training courses. This winter it’s the half-marathon program, with a goal of running a race in the spring.
That means that twice a week I would meet a particular group of people at different places; we run together, we talk, we have fun, we share our stories. We share our "empty nest stories" too because many of us are in the later stages of life. The younger parents are listening very carefully to those conversations as I found out. They are interested in how their lives might evolve as their kids get older. My running community has been my support, my go-to group, and my outlet, over these years as my kids moved away. Through the years, I became a certified running coach to help others become better runners and help them stay injury free.
#2 Take On A New Challenge
Take on a new professional or personal challenge. I dove into creating my new brand: Pursue Your Spark. This podcast is part of my new online brand, and it allows me freedom of location. I have a beautiful, small studio here in Maryland where I see people on a one-on-one basis. But I wanted to be able to visit my kids and still serve my community. I am finally able to put the work into my project that it deserves. I love it. I'm enjoying being able to reach more people - like you right now - through my podcast.
Think of what you can take on, or would like to take on. It could be merely stepping up in your business to take on a new role.
#3 Extra Cash!
Now that college is paid for, and you've got some extra cash lying around, put it to good use! We are remodeling our basement, and a portion of that extra money goes towards our travel. Trips that we previously couldn't afford are now part of our expense account, and we love it.
I have to admit that I took a little bit of that money just for me, and I am changing the way I dress and look. I’ll have a podcast coming later about this new change.
Today I want to encourage you to enjoy your kids' company and enjoy your life. I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed seeing my kids become these independent, strong people that make amazing choices in their lives. I can see myself in their choices, and how they live their life and the values that I instilled in them. I couldn't be a prouder mom. I hope my three empty nest survival tips guide you in the right direction. I'd love to hear how they helped you and changed your life.